SHSL Hair
by GeorgiaTheSteven
Summary: Who is the real SHSL hair? It's up to Naegi to decide. Short, Pre-despair, and with major character and event spoilers for both games. Purely crack with a few bad words. I'm sorry.


"So, tell us Naegi, which one of us is it?"

"I… uh…"

Makoto Naegi was unsure of how he had gotten himself into this predicament. Before him stood Celestia Ludenberg and Junko Enoshima, both undeniably attractive girls. There they were.

Celes tilted her head, smiling. "Do hurry up and make a decision, Naegi. We have not got all day, after all."

"Ah… but, I think… you both have really great hair?" Naegi chose his words carefully. He knew that both of these girls could be dangerous if you angered them.

"Oh, we know that. But, you know that isn't the question! Answer it properly Naegi! Who is the real SHSL Hair?" Enoshima questioned, inching closer to him.

Naegi gulped. He had no where to run. He was doomed. "I-I-I just can't…"

Just as Naegi was ready to accept his unfortunate fate, someone appeared behind the girls. "Hmm? You're having a contest that relies on an aspect of your appearance? Why do you stupid girls even bother? It is clear that I, Byakuya Togami, am the SHSL Heir with the best SHSL Hair."

"Huh? Your hair may be nice or whatever, but it's nothing special, pretty boy," Enoshima huffed, rolling her eyes.

Celes nodded. "Here, here. It doesn't matter anyway, as it is clear that the one with the best hair is me."

Enoshima laughed very loudly. "HAH. _Your_ hair isn't even real hair. You can stop pretending. We all know you wear extensions!"

The crowd that had grown around the scene let out a low "Ooooo…"

Something seemed to click within Celes. Her sweet smile turned into a twisted grin, her calm eyes seemed to light up with a fire-like glow. "Oh…My hair… is fake? In that case… I GUESS IT'S ABOUT AS REAL AS YOUR TITS!"

The whole room fell into a shocked silence. It was three seconds before any noise was heard, that noise being a clattering of desks and chairs as Junko lunged at Celes, only to be held back by Ikusaba, who's quick reaction had probably just saved the rest of the class from witnessing a murder. All the while, Enoshima cussed and struggled as Celes stared at her, still grinning.

It was at this point that Ishimaru thought it was best to intervene. "STOP THIS AT ONCE. THAT TYPE OF LANGUAGE IS NOT WELCOME IN A SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT. Besides, if it's a competition on hair you want, then I happen to know the perfect candidate! ANIKI!" He yelled enthusiastically, beckoning for Oowada to join him in the middle of the classroom.

Oowada shot him a pained expression. "Ishimaru… please don't do this now…"

"AND WHY NOT, BROTHER? YOUR HAIR IS THE MOST IMPRESSIVE OF ANYONE'S."

"Look, you can't just-"

Cutting Mondo off, Yamada plodded into the middle of the room. "My hair is surely more impressive than anyone's! Owada's corn hair can not compare to this pointed glory atop my head. I am the true SHSL hair!"

"Hey! I'll have you know I work hard to make my hair look this good, you lazy punk!" Oowada scowled.

"Hey, but what about Hagakure's hair?! He may be dumb, but he has awesome dreads!" Asahina yelled, pushing Hagakure into the middle of the classroom with all of the other contenders. He just stood there and beamed with a proud expression on his face. Fucking Hagakure.

"Leon Kuwata definitely has the best hair!" said Leon Kuwata, his voice an impressively high and girly tone.

Naegi was getting god damn tired of this. Like, he was 100% done with his classmates' shit. What the fuck where they doing? To him it was clear that the true SHSL Hair was not even in this class. Kyouko Kirigiri could see the disgruntled expression forming on his face and understood because she's Kirigiri and knows the importance of body language. She listened to Ursula and look where she is now.

"So, you think so too?" Kirigiri's voice was not much louder than a whisper. Naegi could barely hear her over the sound of their classmates being fucking morons.

"Huh?"

"The SHSL hair is not in this class. Would you agree?"

"Oh… yeah I, would agree." In fact, Naegi had decided that it was definitely one of their upperclassmen. You know. _Those_ people. Actually though, as a group, Naegi decided that his own class definitely had the weirdest hair, but he also decided that individually, no on could compare to one person in particular. Izuru Kamukura.

"If you feel strongly about this topic, then you should fetch this 'SHSL Hair' yourself," Kirigiri suggested.

Naegi chuckled in response, "Nah, he wouldn't come anyway. Kamukura is a little… distant."

"Oh, Kamukura! I hadn't though about him," exclaimed Maizono, joining Naegi and Kirigiri's conversation. "My bets were on Banana Bitch, but I guess you're right!"

"Who's 'Banana Bitch'?" Naegi enquired.

"Hiyoko Saionji?" suggested Kirigiri.

"Mm-hm. But, I suppose we'd better tell the rest of these guys who really has the best hair in school! ATTENTION EVERYONE!" Maizono climbed onto a chair as her voice rang through the room. "The official committee has decided who SHSL Hair is!"

"AND WHO IS THIS OFFICIAL COMMITTEE?" Ishimaru yelled back.

"Kirigiri, Naegi and I!"

"VERY WELL."

Mumblings of agreement came from the crowd of students.

"Okay, so, SHSL Hair is… IZURU KAMUKURA!" Maizono beamed.

There many were loud sighs and mutterings before anyone noticed a cackling coming from Enoshima. The cackling grew louder and everyone else grew quieter, before Asahina finally chimed in, "Are you okay, Enoshima?"

Enoshima tried to calm down her laughing and after a while, was able to speak. "I guess- haha- I guess you could say that Izuru's Super High School Level is… Ultimate Disp-hair!"

The room fell into a deep silence, before Asahina once again broke the quietness. "But… Isn't Kamakura Ultimate _Hope_?"

"Ultimate Disp-hair!" Junko repeated as everyone else remained silent. "Ahaha fuck you guys, you're all going to die," she sighed, secretly turned on with the despair of no one understanding her joke.

Then everyone said "Oh Junko!" and a laugh track played, and everyone though it was as funny as The Big Bang Theory. And we _all _know that that's _hilarious_.


End file.
